I remember my sophomore year of undergrad one of my roommates was talking about one of her friends that was using diet pills and had lost a ton of weight. She said she tried one and her heart started racing and she never would take diet pills again.
After I graduated from my undergrad, I moved back home until I moved to Kentucky for grad school. I hit a low that was different from other lows I had experienced before. I gained 20 pounds. I was working two jobs and never had time to work out. One job was mindless and the other job sucked the life out of me. I had no control over my eating. I was binging and purging more than ever (at the time I thought it was the worst I would ever get-a couple times a week-I later would find out how far I would fall with b/p). I would work 16 hour days and eat my emotions. The way I felt coming home from the job that sucked the life out of me (I was a counselor for teen girls that were pregnant or parenting, had behavioral issues, substance abuse issues, educational issues and were court ordered to live in the facility) was something I had never experienced before. I would spend hundreds of dollars buying food to binge on. I would go to my gym and purge it all up and then work off whatever I could until I was falling asleep on the equipment. And I still couldn’t lose the weight.
One night while walking through Wal-mart, I walked past them. Hydroxycut. I remembered what my roommate had said about them. I picked them up. I started out taking the recommended amount, but I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to lose the weight. So I started doubling the dose. At the same time I was taking caffeine/energy pills because the vicious cycle I found myself in was…well…exhausting. And I didn’t have the energy anymore. I didn’t have the energy to work. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the girls at work. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the stress of living with my mom and step dad. I didn’t have the energy to deal with not knowing if I got into grad school. I didn’t have the energy to live in a town where I had no friends. I didn’t have the energy. So I took the pills. I took the pills and tried to fake it.
The day I found out that I was accepted into grad school was the best day. I quit my job as a counselor. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or I thought I could. I stopped taking pills. I started having more time to work out, but I was still eating my emotions. It was still stressful to live at home. My mom was extremely against me going to grad school. She frequently would send me messages saying that I would not go and I was not able to financially support this decision. She sent me a message that ended like this “Sorry to see you blow this opportunity.” Before I had even left for Kentucky. It was a very hostile situation to be in.
The moral of this story is not about my mom or about how I eat my emotions. It is about the scary situation I got myself into with diet pills. I sometimes feel my heart racing faster than normal. When I wear my heart rate monitor, my heart rate is always much faster than it should be. I am always worried about the damage I have done to my body in my attempt to get skinny, and abusing diet pills certainly did not help the matter. I am terrified to go to a doctor and get a physical or go to the dentist because I am scared that my secret will get out. I am scared that the doctor will find irregular heart beats and the dentist will see the scratches in my throat. I was even scared that the eye doctor will see something in my eyes. Like he can see the pain or the look in my eyes after I purge. Like he can see into my soul and see the truth.